As a season I thought would break me comes very close to an end, countless thoughts have been stuck on repeat in my mind…
For one, I’ve thought how simply crazy it is to have blown through two 249-page journals.
Journals that evolved into a collection of letters to the Lord himself, love notes if you will, of my thanks, confessions, forgiveness, insecurities and longing, my fears and worries — amidst even more of my dreams and desires. It became a place to have authentic dialogue with God, and where he would speak to me — birthing sweet intimacies.
I carry them everywhere I go.
I’ve thought about all the ways I’ve been challenged and tried. How I’ve become too familiar with loneliness and too familiar with my fears.
I realized how much I took for granted — my health, my friendships, my treasure, and above all things, my faith.
And how many things I planted in faith.
Yet I thought, if I had the choice, how crazy I would be to probably do it all again because of the good that I came to know is hidden in the bad.
Through exceeding my expectations and stretching me in a direction uncharted by my body and my mind, God still only showed me a glimpse.
Nearing the end, he’s showed me that there is more.
The enemy did what he does best and tried to start stealing things from me and lying as I thought about how I spent this season.
In a lot of darkness, much of which I thought I wouldn’t escape. But in that time I held onto God for dear life. Having no other choice, I wrote pages and pages of scripture — biblical truth to declare over, not only my body, but more importantly, my mind.
I had lost hope. And almost all of my faith.
But, I’m reminded there was not a mountain God didn’t climb to reach me, nor a lie he wouldn’t tear down — always found coming after me.
My hope restored. My faith reassured.
I will tell of this season for as long as I have breath in my lungs.
I will tell of my under preparedness. My unawareness of some of my hurts. Of all the misconceptions that seemed realities rather than falsity. Of every fear God banished from my mind. Every worry, every lie. I will live to tell of the hope God supplied.
I think it’s important as followers to always be filling ourselves with truth regardless of if we feel our faith is being tested. If anything, we have to condition ourselves so that when storms do hit, we are ready — to declare truth, like a sword being drawn from a sheath.
We don’t have to be able. We are far from Able-ton’s.
It’s always going to be by God’s strength, not our own.
But we can still prepare. We can still sharpen our weapons in waiting.
I will tell of the ways in which the Lord will help me tell my story. To sing my song. To share the voice I’ve found.
Through discernment and edification.
I will tell of the good things that come in being faithful and remaining obedient in times of trouble. The good things that come when you continue to trust in God’s favor.
From beginning to the end, God is faithful. It’s our job to trust he will bring us to wherever he’s taking us. And if there’s anything I’ve learned in this season, it’s that he’s always taking us higher and deeper. From vine to vine, we are growing constantly in and through him. You can’t stop it, you can’t contain it.
I have grown.
And I am growing.
Though I’ll never fully be able to understand the vastness that God is, his love and it’s extravegance, and it’s tendency to never really make much sense, I do know that it is enough. More than enough actually, and that he will always be my highest priority, friend, and joy.
I don’t think I’ll be able to voice everything the Lord has done in me, but my hope is that I will continue to share of all the things he’s done and for all my days, I hope that the Lord keeps changing who I am through him, as I will always remain the same to him.
“Now may God, the inspiration and fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super-abundance until you radiate with hope.”
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